The Melancholy of Pain

I have been in pain since a week now. Severe excruciating pain! Ear pain to be precise, the reason for getting an ear infection still unknown. I neglected the pain for a week but then Sunday night it became unbearable and we went to the Urgent Care.

After the initial medication, I was still in severe pain but refused to have painkillers as I don’t like taking painkillers knowing the damage they do to your body. Tuesday morning, no change and I took an Advil as the pain was beyond bearable. The pain didn’t subside and I popped another Advil. We went to the Urgent Care again, where the doctor gave me a local anaesthesia to reduce the pain!

Oh boy! How relieved I felt after that dose of anesthesia. My ear became numb and there was no feeling at all in the ear. My nerves calmed down and I had almost reached the heaven! And yet, the irony was in an attempt to not feel the pain, I had stopped feeling my ear too! I did not feel my ear at all and it was if a part of my body was cut off! This very incident brought back so many life stories to me!

I remembered the time when my grandfather died and I had denied to be sad about his death. I kept on telling myself that he had a peaceful death and we all should be happy about it that he was not bedridden during his last moments. I refused to feel the pain by applying the anesthesia of denial and my positive attitude until a point where it all became very toxic! My body and mind needed a vent out and I was denying it by applying the balm of positivity. It did not work and I finally collapsed. I cried, I cried a lot holding my dad and let all that grief strike me at once. I finally allowed the melancholy of pain to take over me.

I remembered the time when a friend betrayed me and I behaved as if nothing had happened and everything is just fine! I went on with my life as usual until the betrayal started eroding me from inside. I had to take out the effect of the ‘everything is fine’ anesthesia and go and confront the friend. I did that and that numb part inside me came live again.

I remembered the time, when a renowned magazine rejected my writing. I took on the ‘My writing is too good for them’ pill and did not feel the pain of rejection. I stopped writing for a while telling myself my writing is too good for the earthly people, until it started suffocating me. I had to remove the blinds and accept the fact that my writing needs improvement. I felt the pain of rejection and started working towards making my writing better. I then felt liberated.

Many a times, we do exactly the same. Shut off pain from our lives and get numb. But you will feel alive only when u experience that pain! Don’t let anesthesia numb your body along with the pain, feel the pain and evolve!

Feel the melancholy of pain and free yourself!

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