Ever since school, I have been a shy girl mostly keeping to myself. And then there was the rest of the class. It felt I was never a part of my class. I looked around and I saw confident girls and boys doing their thing. Someone was an ace in academics, someone played football like a pro, someone was so damn beautiful and then there were some who were just plain notorious. But everyone was someone for me. When I looked at myself and tried searching my USP, I couldn’t find any. Some said I had a beautiful handwriting. But what to do with that? You can’t make friends with your handwriting. I was geeky but not amongst the top 3 students in class. I was thin as a drying sheet and by no means beautiful. I was neither popular nor I played any sport. The ‘I am not good enough’ syndrome hit me at a very early age and I kept to myself.
When school parties started happening in high school, I started feeling even more left out. The clothes people wore and the dance moves people did made me feel incomplete in many ways. It was like I was dressed for a house party and people were dressed for that crazy jazz night. Being a part of any group never came easy to me. Even today my school mates remember me as ‘noone’ or someone who didn’t matter. I don’t blame them, I never made an effort to show the real me to anyone.
School was done, I went on to college and again the same story. I was still trying to figure out my niche. Style never came easily to me and the way I dressed and spoke was not really cosmopolitan though I stayed in a city. I had a very popular girl as my best friend during my college days. It seemed she was torn between me and the invitations she got for get togethers. Yes, she was called but not me. She was a very good friend though and tried to include me as much as possible. But her efforts were in vain as I never ever identified with any of the others she hung out with.
Graduation and Post Graduation went by. I was the same – Looking at others thinking how wonderful they are and then looking at myself and remembering each and every imperfection inside me – too thin, can’t speak in public, not very fluent in English as the convent bunch, no style, not very comfortable showcasing my work, inferiority complex in almost everything.
Imagine 24-26 years of my life, repeating the same old mantra every single day to myself. What do you think my life looked like? I didn’t try anything new because I always felt I am not good enough. I didn’t loosen up and was always on guard, because that gave me a little ‘don’t mess with me’ look which kept people away. I never knew how to enjoy life because I thought I am not good enough.
The first change started when I started blogging 5 years ago. I have always been writing and creating poems. But only for me. I never shared it with anyone. But circumstances forced me to write and share my work. I received immense appreciation for my work. People resonated with my stories and took out time to tell me the same. I was in a foreign land fighting the loneliness with my pen and I loved every bit of it. Writing gave me my outlet, my niche, the my thing! I slowly started growing and blossoming. Till date it has been a wonderful ride with my work being published in many platforms – The Times of India, Sakaal Times, The Elephant Journal, Pink Pangea, Women’s Web, Stylewhack just to name a few. Writing was my safe haven and I loved it!
The second change happened when one of the strangers in a park came up to me and said, “You have a very pure soul. A soul very few possess. Make the most out it”. And she was gone. All this while I was trying to find my niche, it was right inside me. It was like an eye opener. The pureness of my heart and soul, all the while. I kept on looking at everyone else and trying to see if I possess what they have and never realized what I exactly had as a niche.
The rest as they said is history. With certain mind blowing events in my life, today I have made these 2 niches my life purpose. I have come a long way healing myself from all the past trauma and the limiting beliefs. I love writing and I don’t think I am ever going to stop even if no one reads my work. And the purity of my soul which is seen in my coaching and teaching aspect of work.
When I look at my school mates today and see who they have become today, I know somewhere even they struggled with this syndrome. Very few of them really pursued or harnessed their niche. Yes, I know I did not do much for 26 years of my life or maybe 30. But now when I am doing what I am doing, I feel all of it was worthwhile. It is all a journey and what matters is you find that right path for you sooner or later.
I get messages from my school mates today saying they are so proud of me doing what I do today. And a tiny bird chirps to me and says, “From nobody to somebody”!
Yes, there are still people around me who are beautiful as hell or who paint like a dream or who are some kick ass orators. But now, I don’t let that intimidate me instead I have more appreciation for what they do. I also have worked so much on myself in the last 3 years that I have created a my kind of beautiful feeling for me. No one can ever make me feel less today.
If you are someone like the young me and are playing the same tape of ‘I am not good enough’ to yourself, remember you matter. You are loved. You are capable of doing it. You just need to start believing in yourself. Keep your hand on your heart and feel it beating for you day in day out. Your heart loves you because you are somebody to it. Why not listen to your heart and transform from nobody to somebody.