Everyday

Battling the ‘I am not Good Enough’ Syndrome

Ever since school, I have been a shy girl mostly keeping to myself. And then there was the rest of the class. It felt I was never a part of my class. I looked around and I saw confident girls and boys doing their thing. Someone was an ace in academics, someone played football like a pro, someone was so damn beautiful and then there were some who were just plain notorious. But everyone was someone for me. When I looked at myself and tried searching my USP, I couldn’t find any. Some said I had a beautiful handwriting. But what to do with that? You can’t make friends with your handwriting. I was geeky but not amongst the top 3 students in class. I was thin as a drying sheet and by no means beautiful. I was neither popular nor I played any sport. The ‘I am not good enough’ syndrome hit me at a very early age and I kept to myself.

When school parties started happening in high school, I started feeling even more left out. The clothes people wore and the dance moves people did made me feel incomplete in many ways. It was like I was dressed for a house party and people were dressed for that crazy jazz night. Being a part of any group never came easy to me. Even today my school mates remember me as ‘noone’ or someone who didn’t matter. I don’t blame them, I never made an effort to show the real me to anyone.

School was done, I went on to college and again the same story. I was still trying to figure out my niche. Style never came easily to me and the way I dressed and spoke was not really cosmopolitan though I stayed in a city. I had a very popular girl as my best friend during my college days. It seemed she was torn between me and the invitations she got for get togethers. Yes, she was called but not me. She was a very good friend though and tried to include me as much as possible. But her efforts were in vain as I never ever identified with any of the others she hung out with.

Graduation and Post Graduation went by. I was the same – Looking at others thinking how wonderful they are and then looking at myself and remembering each and every imperfection inside me – too thin, can’t speak in public, not very fluent in English as the convent bunch, no style, not very comfortable showcasing my work, inferiority complex in almost everything.

Imagine 24-26 years of my life, repeating the same old mantra every single day to myself. What do you think my life looked like? I didn’t try anything new because I always felt I am not good enough. I didn’t loosen up and was always on guard, because that gave me a little ‘don’t mess with me’ look which kept people away. I never knew how to enjoy life because I thought I am not good enough.

The first change started when I started blogging 5 years ago. I have always been writing and creating poems. But only for me. I never shared it with anyone. But circumstances forced me to write and share my work. I received immense appreciation for my work. People resonated with my stories and took out time to tell me the same. I was in a  foreign land fighting the loneliness with my pen and I loved every bit of it. Writing gave me my outlet, my niche, the my thing! I slowly started growing and blossoming. Till date it has been a wonderful ride with my work being published in many platforms – The Times of India, Sakaal Times, The Elephant Journal, Pink Pangea, Women’s Web, Stylewhack just to name a few. Writing was my safe haven and I loved it!

writing

The second change happened when one of the strangers in a park came up to me and said, “You have a very pure soul. A soul very few possess. Make the most out it”. And she was gone. All this while I was trying to find my niche, it was right inside me. It was like an eye opener. The pureness of my heart and soul, all the while. I kept on looking at everyone else and trying to see if I possess what they have and never realized what I exactly had as a niche.

The rest as they said is history. With certain mind blowing events in my life, today I have made these 2 niches my life purpose. I have come a long way healing myself from all the past trauma and the limiting beliefs. I love writing and I don’t think I am ever going to stop even if no one reads my work. And the purity of my soul which is seen in my coaching and teaching aspect of work.

When I look at my school mates today and see who they have become today, I know somewhere even they struggled with this syndrome. Very few of them really pursued or harnessed their niche.  Yes, I know I did not do much for 26 years of my life or maybe 30. But now when I am doing what I am doing, I feel all of it was worthwhile. It is all a journey and what matters is you find that right path for you sooner or later.

I get messages from my school mates today saying they are so proud of me doing what I do today. And a tiny bird chirps to me and says, “From nobody to somebody”! 

Yes, there are still people around me who are beautiful as hell or who paint like a dream or who are some kick ass orators. But now, I don’t let that intimidate me instead I have more appreciation for what they do. I also have worked so much on myself in the last 3 years that I have created a my kind of beautiful feeling for me. No one can ever make me feel less today.

If you are someone like the young me and are playing the same tape of ‘I am not good enough’ to yourself, remember you matter. You are loved. You are capable of doing it. You just need to start believing in yourself. Keep your hand on your heart and feel it beating for you day in day out. Your heart loves you because you are somebody to it. Why not listen to your heart and transform from nobody to somebody.

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My word for 2018!

Since 2015 I have been choosing a word for the new year, instead of having a bunch of resolutions which might just fade away as the year passes. The whole idea of choosing a word instead of some 10 new year resolutions is being true to yourself and sticking to this one singular goal. This one word represents who you want to be and how you want to live.

It was ‘Gratitude’ in 2015, Forgiveness in 2016 and ‘Mindfulness’ in 2017 and it is time to select a word for the upcoming year. A word which I want to work upon all through the year. I have known what the word is going to be since a while now. I have just been trying to soak in what would it entail and how will I work around this word next year.

The word is Strength’.

strength

During my last vacation I realized though I go to the gym and exercise, I still have a long way to go. During one of the hikes at Zion National Park, I could feel my weak legs and my drowning stamina. It was kind of an eye opener for me. A message that what I am doing for my physical fitness isn’t enough. It also kind of made me think if gym is the only answer. To build my physical strength, I want to explore exercise options and find that right balance of fun and sweating it out. So yes, physical strength is going to be one of the major areas to work on.

Next would be emotional strength. Emotional strength doesn’t mean I won’t cry or not feel the hurt. For me it will be more about honoring my feelings and coming out strong. Yes I will cry when I am sad and turn red when angry, but I won’t let these emotions weaken me from within. Instead I want to channelize my emotions into something good and constructive. It’s going to be difficult, but there is this small voice inside me saying I can do it! I do want to try it out.

The next is relationships. I want to build relationships through the strength of integrity. No more phony relationships for me. I want the base to be solid, the foundation to be strong. Over the past one year I have made so many soulful connections via the virtual world and I want to continue that trend. Having people around me who understand me. At the same time, I have let go all the drama and unwanted relationships which drained me. I want to continue and build relationships based on integrity.

And last but not the least – spiritual strength. No more hiding in the closet, shutting down my beliefs with the fear of what will the world think of my path and my work. I am done hiding and now I will be shining my light brighter. 2018 is going to mark the beginning of me finally breaking free from the shackles of society’s opinion about the work I do!

Strength is also a 11 numbered card in Tarot and 2018 is also a master number 11. I just feel so connected with both of these aspects! This is no coincidence for sure.

Strength

So yes, the word for 2018 is strength. Let’s see how I embrace this word and it’s true connotation for me in the coming year.

If you had to choose a word for 2018, what would it be?

 

The Day of My Awakening

I haven’t spoken about that day to anyone as yet, not even my husband. The day when I came out of my darkness. A darkness of emotional and physical turmoil gnawing at me from the inside. I don’t know why but I felt like sharing that sacred moment of my life with everyone today. I still vividly remember that day as if it was just yesterday –

I was at my bottom low, not wanting to do anything in life. I woke up grudgingly, forcing myself to the bathroom for a shower. I don’t know how and when, but at one point I was kneeling down in the bath tub with my hands folded and the shower water running through my head, face and body. I was down on my knees sobbing incoherently and I prayed. Those words which came from me that day are still etched on my mind. I said, “I surrender to you today. I surrender from the tiniest cell in my body. I give it all to you now. Please show me a way. Tell me what path have you chosen for me. Just tell me”.

I was in my most vulnerable state then. Naked in my skin and naked in my soul. Pouring out everything to Him. And in that moment, I felt something in my body. It was as if someone was uplifting me. It was as if someone was embracing me. My sobs became louder and my tears uncontrollable. It was as if I was letting it all out. I was still sitting down in the bathtub with the shower water pouring on me but I was slowly feeling free.

That was my day of awakening!

I did not know what to expect next. But somehow He led me and showed me my path. I stumbled across Hay House World Angel Summit which was free where many lightworkers were talking about angels and how to connect with them. It was then that I came to know about Doreen Virtue and Archangel Michael. I learnt that Archangel Michael is the one who helps you with your life purpose. He also protects you. That day after hearing to Doreen Virtue’s talk, I kneeled again. I called upon Archangel Michael and asked him to help me with my life purpose. The words didn’t matter but my intention did. It was an outcry for help. After that I kept on seeing Michael at the oddest of places, a sign that he was around. I saw Michael while watching television, I came across books whose authors were named Michael. It was as if Michael was everywhere. Archangel Michael Oracle cards was the first deck I bought before even I learnt the art of card reading. I started doing self readings, picking a card every single day and felt the strong connect with Archangel Michael. He seemed to know what I needed the most and gave me some profound messages each day.

And then I found a FB post about University of Wellness and it’s Life Coach certification. I have always been an innate coach. During my career as a Human Resource personnel, I have strived for women empowerment and coached women unknowingly in my own way at my workplace in Qualcomm, Chennai. No wonder I felt drawn to this coaching certification. I spoke with the founder and teacher of the course Kerissa Kuis, but the course fees was way above my league. I gave up on it. But something kept on pushing me and I contacted her again. While I was chatting with her on messenger, one of the words autocorrected to ‘Michael’. I knew then this was a sign and I have to take up this course. I asked Kerissa again if it was possible to pay the fees through installments and she agreed. And there I was, enrolled in a course which I could not afford financially and yet all of it fell in place. I cannot thank the Lord enough for this course, Kerissa and the tribe I earned here!

Soon later came an offer from Hay House on their Angel Intuitive Course where the prices were slashed to half along with easy installment option. I was thirsty to know more about angels and connect with them. And I enrolled for that course too. As this course progressed and I started learning about archangels and angels, my intuition started becoming stronger. I started seeing angel flashes and messages started coming to me. And before I knew Archangel Raziel started to show up in my life. Archangel Raziel helps in understanding the esoteric secrets of life and slowly a lot of things started unfolding before me. His color is the rainbow and he started showing up in the weirdest of places.

The puzzles of life started unfolding. I started getting messages on what I should be working on. The major lesson was ‘forgiveness’. The story of my forgiveness journey needs a separate post. But I will tell you one thing which I learnt from it, “Forgiveness was for me and not for them who wronged me”. I had to forgive my own mother, I had to forgive people who treated my grandparents inhumanly, I had to forgive a friend who is no more and I had to forgive loved ones too. And above all, I had to forgive myself. 

But all along this way, He made sure I met the right people and teachers which made this journey worthwhile. Whenever I think of that day when I was stripped off naked in that shower in spirit and in body, my eyes well up in gratitude. Today when I finally share this story, I don’t have any inhibitions or fear of what will people think about me talking to angels or being so spiritually grounded or that Archangel Michael is always around me. My intention here is not to make you believe in the things I do but to share a story coming from my heart.

The last one year I have experienced what ‘surrender’ feels like, how difficult ‘letting go’ is, the high vibration I feel in my body every time I kneel in gratitude and how human I am when I am at my most vulnerable state. I learnt that when you take one step ahead, the Universe takes 10 steps towards you. I realized, the only way from a rock bottom is ‘up’.

That day in August last year, I really became free! The day of my awakening! And now I am on a path to awaken others!

 

 

 

Different Hugs, Different Stories

We had gone to the flea market last weekend. We meaning myself and Sujoy’s cousin and her family. Sujoy was busy watching a live soccer match at Gillette Stadium that day which I confidently told everyone that it was a El-Clasico match 😛 More details about that sometime later!

Flea Market

The Women in Blue at the Flea Market!

So we reached this flea market and Sudeep da dropped us at the venue and went ahead to park his car. Paula di, Riya and I were wandering through the stalls. It was a while till Sudeep da found a parking in the always busy Boston Downtown. When he returned , Riya who is 9 years old ran towards him and hugged him! It was as if they were meeting after a long time though it was just 15 minutes. Ah! That pure moment of proximity between two individuals who really love one another and expect nothing in return! Such a simple gesture and yet so comforting.

Riya’s spontaneous hug got me thinking – How often do we hug?

It also brought back memories of some treasured hugs in my life.

The Bidai Hug

The last of the ceremonies in an Indian marriage is the bidai (farewell), where the bride’s side give a farewell to the bride. It is a very emotional moment for the bride’s side.  After the bidai, the bride and the groom leave for the groom’s place leaving behind ‘us’.

Hug

Can you feel that overwhelming love?

I remembered mine. Almost all of us were teary eyed. During my bidai, I hugged my father so tightly that I didn’t want to let him go. It was two human beings who love each other unconditionally just being in the moment, expressing their love through actions and no words. Two human beings who share the deepest of love, care, and affection. It was such a pure unadulterated moment, only heartfelt endearment. Tears rolling from both our eyes and we didn’t care who was around us. It was just us in the moment! I still shudder from thinking about that time! #Goosebumps

The Soul Sister Hug

Hug

Hugging! ❤

Last year during my India trip I finally met my soul sister Shweta. We had been working together virtually for almost 2 years and this was the first time I met her. We had been to Mumbai for some official work and were staying together. It was kind of my girl night out endeavour which I have done very rarely in my teens. And one of those evenings, we just let out all that was bothering us. We spoke for hours and hours pouring out the darkest of our secrets and the side of your life you don’t share on FB. And at the end of it all, we hugged. Hugged to reassure that we are there for each other. Hugged to communicate how much we love each other. Hugged to feel that soul sister connect!

My soul sister needs a hug right now and here is one I am sending out to her!

The Tree Hug

Tree Hug

Therapeutic!

I have hugged a tree too! It is so damn therapeutic. No judgement, no false pretenses just sacred bond. Hugging a tree connects you to mother earth too with the tree roots. Try doing it and see how you open up from within. I love hugging trees, usually the ones with giant trunks. Boston is full of huge tree trails and I never miss a chance to hug those trees on the way.

I am a hugger. Always have been. I believe a tight hug can make you forget all the shit in your life at least for 30 seconds. And with my energy work now, I can pick up on people’s energies and sense who might need a hug. I don’t always hug that person but send some healing energy their way!

A small hug made me visit all these stories yet again.

What is your hug story? How often do you hug? Do let me know in comments below 🙂

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Miracle Diaries – What I learnt from Gabrielle Bernstein and her May Cause Miracles Course

When you set on a path of listening to your heart and manifesting your true life purpose, the Universe reciprocates. I hit my low last year and it was when I realized what my true life purpose was  – “It is making people realize their full potential and the light that is inside them”. And when I started working towards it, the Universe put this course in my path – Holistic Life Coaching Course by University of Wellness. I am just nine weeks into this course and I can see my world changing already.

One of the courses included in the curriculum was May Cause Miracles by Gabrielle Bernstein. It is a 40 day guidebook which offers compelling message that anything is indeed possible with a few simple shifts  in our life. The book guides you with a morning and evening exercise each day for 40 days. And each week is dedicated to one important aspect of our life – body, relationships, finance etc.

These 40 days were raw, true and so vulnerable for me. I unfolded so many inner demons, faced deep seated fears and at the end was amazed at the humongous work I did on myself.

I wanted to share my journey so that at least one of you is inspired out there and says yes to miracles by working on yourself first –

Week One  – Witness Your Fear

Gabby Bernstein
Week one was sitting down and writing all the fears you have in life. I realized when you sit down to journal, deeper fears which you don’t want to acknowledge come up to the surface. The fears which you didn’t want to face, the fears which you locked up down there afraid to let them out. Week one made me realize how my fear governs my thoughts and how I feel when I am under it’s influence. The fear of failure came up for me. A simple affirmation – “I am willing to see love instead of this” brought back the calmness.

Week Two – Self Love

May Cause Miracles
Week two made me realize the importance of self love. I am a perfectionist and I beat up myself for every small imperfection. I realized I have been my own self critic, demeaning my self worth. It also made me realize that I am not taking good care of my body.  I doubted my capabilities and was harsh on myself when I failed at something. “I am willing to let go of my self-doubt. I surrender to self love” became my mantra for an entire week. I added one thing in my routine which was all about self love and it helped tremendously. Sometimes we are too brutal on ourselves and week two taught me to be gentle and let go.

Week Three – The Body

Gabrielle Bernstein
This was a BIGGIE for me and I wrote a separate post on how I let go of my padded bras and finally made peace with my body the way it is! You can read it here –

Why I got rid of my Padded Bras, after Clinging to them for 15 plus years

It took courage and a lot of self love to finally be free of the body image I had made for myself.

Week Four – Romance and Relationships

Forgiveness
Week four was revolutionary for me. Though when it came to romance, I was well sorted and was already doing what Gabby mentioned in the book. It was the ‘other’ relationships which needed healing. It was the judgement I threw on others and the way I compared myself with them. It was forgiving those who have behaved so inhumanly with my grandparents and which I never thought I will be able to do EVER in this life at least. It was about attacking others and passing condescending remarks. It was about not making or feeling myself to be special compared to others and making the foundation of oneness.

I love my Papa to the moon and back. But during this course I realized that I have had a grudge against him for taking some wrong financial decisions while we were growing up. Till date I never realized I had this inside me. This realization was something which turned my world upside down. I let go of this feeling and forgave myself for having this grudge and Papa. I set myself free.

Week Five – Financial Abundance

Lack mentality

Well, my sister and me grew up in financial abundance earlier and then things changed. While growing up I had this limiting belief about money which made me curtail all my wishes. I did not take the art class in school because I thought it will burden my dad financially. I went to the dentist the first time when I started earning. I carried my lack mentality with me till now. I sabotaged all the things meant for self improvement saying that I do not have enough money for this. The moment I realized about my lack mentality, my entire life came in front of my eyes – the courses I didn’t take, the training sessions I said no to and the learning opportunities I denied because I thought I could not ‘afford’ it. I removed my blocks around money the very same moment.

Week Six – Miracle Worker Mindset

Miracle Worker

The last week was maintaining all the learnings and patting your back on the immense work I did during these 40 days! Ya, cheers to me 🙂
It also laid the foundation of continuing with this miracle mindset and let miracles happen!

It was intense and I am so self aware now of my thoughts. Whenever a fear based thought crosses my mind, I say to myself – “Love did not create this”. And see the shift within me.

I am ready to welcome the miracles in my life right now. Would you like to join me too?

Challenge Your Status Quo. Embrace Change!

A few days ago one of my good friends was home. While I was preparing tea, she just looked at the light arrangement in the kitchen. She realized that all the light was falling on the water basin and only some on my kitchen stove. Tall that she is, she swiftly rearranged my kitchen lights to illuminate the right places. My kitchen was better lit now with light all over the place and yet I wasn’t happy with it.

My husband and me were so used to the earlier light arrangement that this new and better light arrangement felt disastrous. The light arrangement seemed to suck and we were complaining and cribbing about it. But in reality, I could cook better in the nights with light focused on the stove.

When we first moved to Chicago from the sunny West Palm Beach, we were sad with the cold weather here. It was chillier. Going to the gym meant wearing 2 jackets, gloves and a scarf plus beanie. We were shivering when outside. But slowly we got used to the cold and the place. We love the high vibe energy here as compared to the laid back atmosphere in Florida. And we are glad we took this plunge.

Chicago

That is how I go to the gym here!

That is what happens with change! Even when the transformation is better for us, we still cling to the old. We don’t want to get rid of our old habits and try something new and better. The status quo so becomes our identity that we fear to leave it aside. Change is stressful. But if we embrace change in the right way, life will be so much simpler and easy.

Are you stuck at your current situation? Do you want to make a change and yet fear to do so? Trust me, take the leap. Be open to change. Start small with something manageable and attainable.

So what is it in your life that you want to change NOW?

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Feel Blessed with this 2 Minute Gratitude Exercise

I dedicated one entire year for gratitude in my ‘word of the year’ exercise. And ever since then gratitude has become an integral part of my life. In good as well as bad times, it is the thankfulness towards the good in life that has brought me out of the toughest situations.

But a lot of times, we get so carried away in our miseries and sorrow that we forget to look at the good things in life. In all the chaos, we forget to be thankful for what we do have and simply concentrate on our shortcomings.

You have to remember that even in the worst of our times, there will be something to thank about. Maybe that we have food on our table or that our loved ones are with us to help us through the bad times or that we are not at war. One thing to be thankful each day!

I started with a gratitude exercise few months back and thought of sharing the same with you all today. It is very simple, easy and best part is does not need more than 2 minutes. You don’t even need any pen or paper.

So here is the Gratitude Exercise:

gratitude-exercise

Every night when you get to your bed, just close your eyes and remember all the good things or blessings of the day. Visualize each of those blessings and at the end of it say ‘Thank you’ from the bottom of your heart. You may thank God if you believe in one or just a simple ‘Thank You’ acknowledging the good is all what is needed.

There will be days when you will be euphoric and there will be so much thank for! But there will also be days when you will feel life is in the dumps. Nevertheless, there will be something to thank for on that day.

As you regularly do this exercise, you will start appreciating your life. You will start being thankful to so many minute things which we take granted every single day. Doing this exercise while sleeping has it’s own wonderful effects. However stressful the day maybe, thinking about the good times of the day before sleeping will calm your mind and body. Your body will get relaxed and a good night’s sleep is ensured. The next day you will wake up with renewed energy 🙂

Try this exercise as you don’t have anything to lose here. It doesn’t even require any investment or props. And please don’t tell me you don’t have the time. Start this exercise and let me know how you feel after continuing the practice for a month at least!

Thank You! 🙂