There was a time when I used to be in everyone’s good books no matter what – friends, family, colleagues and even neighbours. I thought about others ALWAYS before even considering what I really wanted. I listened well, didn’t cross anyone’s opinion and always obeyed to what they had to tell me.
You can imagine the amount of stress I must be going through doing all of that just to be in everyone’s good books. But then something changed.
A relative of mine, a cousin one day just blurted out hate statements pointed at me on a whatsapp chat. I was taken aback. I tried to call the cousin just to understand what did I do wrong? The call was never answered. The words like bi*** and hypocrite were hurled at me. I have never been abused verbally so much ever in my life till date. A piece within me was broken, my mind was numb and eyes kept on crying. I kept on thinking if only I knew what I had done wrong, what was my fault?
I was in the US then, all alone at home. My husband came in the evening and he was shocked to see me that way – red eyes, sore throat, eyes still wet and face all swollen. When I narrated what happened, he simply said “Why do you have this extreme obsession that everyone should like you? That everyone should say you are a good human being. That everyone should applaud your goodness?”
That hit straight to my heart and soul. So yes, why am I hell bent on everyone liking me? I realized during school till 4th grade, I was a stubborn little brat. I back answered my parents and was notorious in school too. That image of mine was stuck with all my relatives. My younger sister was the more loved one as she was quiet and obedient. I even made her use my old stuff in exchange of her new school stationery. That cult I was!
Then my mother was sick and bedridden which changed the whole equation. I kept on thinking that it is my fault that my mom is bedridden, my behaviour made all of this happen. The guilt kept on gnawing. I became shy and silent and tried to be a girl whom everybody liked. I wanted everyone to like me. That trend went on till for most of my life. But not anymore. My husband’s words echoed inside me and slowly the hurt and insult started receding. Till date I don’t know what exactly went wrong and I am ok with it today. I am fine with the fact that someone in this world hates me so much. It isn’t easy, it tears me apart but I have made peace with it.
Just the other day, one of my friends Ankita said that her other friend still hates me. This is a 6 year old hate story. At first I thought it is just jealousy that Ankita and me grew closer while this other friend was a close friend of Ankita since graduation. It used to hurt me that someone dislikes me. But when I came to know recently that the other friend still HATES me, I was calm and it did not affect me at all. Here is a girl, with whom I have not been in touch since 6 years now and she still has such extreme feeling for me. And I am OK with it. It just went to show how much I have changed in these last few years.
Instead I felt bad for the other friend, so much hatred for so many years is deteriorating. Hate corrodes you from inside and affects you in such ways that you don’t even comprehend until it’s too late. It just goes to show how much importance she is giving to someone whom she detests.
Today, I don’t crawl to be in everyone’s good books. Instead I speak my mind out. I may come off as a rather straight forward person than being called a hypocrite. If I don’t like something, I will speak out. If I love something, I will appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. I will help someone because I feel like doing so and not to be called a good person by the society.
It is a revolution and I am sticking to it. At least a part of my stress is off. There are still other stress reasons in life like being obsessed with reaching 5 minutes earlier to meetings, but I will keep that for another blog 😉